[forewarning: the subject matter of this post may be, yet again, on the more somber side. as a writer, I was always taught, "write what you know." so, for now, this is what I know. I promise, I'll be more pleasantly amusing in the future.]
as a "robot," I've notice many traits that humans acquire as a means of survival in what science has come to learn as Darwin's Theory of Evolution. many believe it's the skills of strength dominating over weak, others say it's applying practical knowledge and logic. some might even say it's ones very heart and passion that makes them superior beings. that all sounds poetically righteous and all, but I think there's one thing that makes one rise above the other so distinctively. and that is the ability to laugh at ones self in the face of humiliation.
yes, the classic, "laugh at yourself before they can laugh at you." a bold defense mechanism that empowers us individually and gives others the impression that we are in that much control of ourselves. to be bothered by ridicule and shame is the downfall of all tragic heroes with the potential for greatness.
robots utilize this quality quite naturally. due to our stoic nature, embarrassment doesn't stick too easily to our sleek exterior. in fact, we have this capability of stepping outside our biased perception and seeing the humor in our shortcomings. we know what our aptitudes are capable of and understand that even we make mistakes sometimes. now, that can very well be the end of that right there. but like I said in my first post, I do have feelings. and that, by far, is probably my greatest shortcoming.
I have become quite good at repelling embarrassment and demonstrating resilience in things that challenge my ego. but admittedly, having to defend myself so often does take its toll. I don't mean standing up to bullying or laying the better sarcastic line than my opposition. it's when the truth about who I really am exposes me as vulnerable. the truth? I may not exactly know what that is, after all, part of why I started this blog is to find that out... but when I feel it come out, there's no hiding it. see, when robots are hit with these challenges that expose our shortcomings, it doesn't just bounce off us like rubber. sure, we can deflect their impact but the experience resonates, until each incident has built up to capacity in our hard drives, which humans refer to as memories. then, there is that last moment that catches us off guard, triggering us at our weakest, and blowing us over. that one moment that makes us unable to process what is going on and our system overloads where we have no choice but to spill out ourselves. leaving us totally bare in front of anyone who happens to catch us... at least for me.
all that hard work of building a tough exterior completely unravels. probably by the most trivial thing too, but just enough to send me over. that little nudge that makes me lose footing until I fall into a succession of stumbles, each second trying to catch my step but, really, just encouraging the fall even more. and that is where the truth comes out.
it doesn't have to end in shame--that self-exposure being the achilles heel. in fact, those that can accept their truths are the ones that are ultimately triumphant. and that is where I currently struggle...
leaps and bounds, obstacles, that foot that sticks out to intentionally trip me, others that are looking at you, seeing if you might fall... all that I can handle. but to come face to face with the truth about me... it's scary. after putting up a fight to protect myself, maybe it's to keep from finding out the truth and running the risk that I'm disappointing others that matter, and more importantly, myself.
"the truth will set you free," or so they say. maybe I'm not ready for that. for that freedom. because under that vast canvas, I don't know how I can maintain a steady hand and control my brush. what if I paint isn't what I had envisioned it to be?
[gosh, I just sound like a mess... ha]
truthfully,
honest robot
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