when music just gets you...

i love those moments when a song comes on and it speaks exactly how you think and feel. things that you can't express otherwise, especially when you're as bad as saying what that red squishy thing inside your chest is beating about.

here's one:


adieu,
la la la robot

come here, rude girl.

artwork: joey chou

I'm a rude person. yeah, I'll admit it. and if you're between the ages of 13-23, you might be much worse (not necessarily at your own fault). but I can't be that bad, right? oh, I'm sure I'm not. I hope. I'm a very conscious person, especially of how I come across to others (it's probably this consciousness that inclines me to write this post). I'm very loyal to people I know well and I sometimes put others' simple happinesses before mine. however, I was struck by a small interaction today that made me tell myself "wow, that was kind of rude." maybe no one thought much of it, but i know there've been other times where i'd say hi to someone new from quite a distance away if i've even said hi at all or i've been that one person that doesn't give someone a welcoming hug.

I guess it stemmed from a previous conversation I had over lunch with the company I work for. I'm the youngest in the office, a gap of about 20 years between me and the next person. By now, I'm used to comments such as, "oh, you're too young to remember this" or "that was before you were born." I understand that they assume I'm unaware and I can keep up if I really wanted to... anyway, what pricked my lobes was when the conversation steered about how rude young people are (my bosses added, "i don't mean you, just young people in general"). I don't like to be included with the mass population of those in my age range regarding this matter. my parents grilled me as much as they could growing up so I would remember my pleases and thank you's.

today an acquaintance introduced me to a friend of his. I said the "hi! how are you? Nice to meet you!" and at that moment, I thought that was enough. he moved on to the next person for an introduction and she extended a hand and got out of her seat to meet this new stranger. Right there, it occurred to me. why didn't I think to do that?? am I that busy to not properly engage in someone? maybe my desk was too inconvenient to get up in that short amount of time to just say "hi."

while those reasons might be true, what the issue comes down to is this: I'm not a touchy-feely person. not a big deal. I just really REALLY don't like my personal bubble being intruded. I don't like it when someone grabs something from my desk without prior notice. I would never let someone go through my purse, drawer, or any enclosed personal spaces. if you want to look through photos on my camera, i might just hold it out to you like a kindergarten teaching reading a picture book to her class. I'm not big on holding hands or pda, minus the exception of being inebriated. kind of pathetic that it takes a few drinks to get me to open up and be friendlier. but like it's called, liquid courage encourages me to be the person my sober self tends to hide.

i'm not sure why I have this automatic tendency to physically close myself out. it does make me feel bad that my automatic initial words of conversation aren't "hi! How's it going?" but rather, "so did you decide on that blah blah?" I'm a practical, logical gal. I'm not a control freak... But i feel the need to have a rhyme and reason for everything. which then translates to me not trusting people with my feelings. for some reason I can't differentiate between small interactions with the real crucial, heart of the matter stuff. Any physical closeness or warm waves a red flag. but cognitively, my mind is focused on learning how to be independent and to rely solely on myself for help. and all that mess makes me rude... ha! it comes full circle.

perhaps I'm not that rude as I make myself out to be. or maybe I am if you catch me on a really bad day. i don't mean to be a complicated girl, in fact i love simplicity. but i'm starting to see now (4-5 paragraphs down) that not giving you a proper introduction hinders you from finding out the complicated me. i can't lie to your face about who i am, but maybe avoiding getting anywhere deeper from the start can avoid us reaching that awkward place. i know, that's not the right answer. trust me, i'm working on it. okay, maybe not aggressively, but i AM thinking about it. and that's a start, right? it's a miracle that people actually want to be my friend.

signed,
rude robot

"hello!" in robot.

if you've found yourself here, hello and welcome. I'm slightly surprised and minimally flattered.

robot connections? Yes. for reasons beyond my deep understanding, it seems others view me as a "robot." stoic, emotionally detached, unaffected by what would make the next person weep on your tri-blend shirt that covers your shoulder, and even (I feel unfortunate to say) heartless at times. though much of these descriptions bestowed upon me are valid, I contest that I am a heartless being. I think my perceptions are just different than most. and I'm sure in some psychological sense, something in my past influenced the way I behave and interact with those I come across.

so here I am, writing a blog in attempt to make sense of my experiences or to just merely let it out ('cause I hear that's good for you). apologies in advance if my words are bothersome for you in any way, but you are reading at your own will. and if you relate, that's great. maybe we both might find we're not as alone as we think.

sincerely,
stefrose robot