i'm happy.

artwork: seonna hong

i love you.

i don't say it very often, if at all. in fact, i might say it to my own parents just once in a blue-ish, seafoam green moon. and as far as a significant other... the times it's been uttered out of my mouth have been far less. it's not that i don't want to say it. or i think that the three words weight much heavily than they seem. [actually, no. i do think that.] the thing i don't understand is why they're so necessary to say.

if [for some miraculous reason] you've read previous blogs i've written, you'd have noticed i've explored this topic before. there is a lot of emphasis placed on saying the L-word and i feel people throw it out there just as often and lightly as they inhale oxygen. but hey, for some, maybe they feel love and acknowledging it is just as essential as the very own air they breathe. while it's taken me a while to understand "love" as much as i understand it now (which isn't a lot), i've learned something very significant in how i interpret it: i'm very, VERY happy with the possibility that it exists (especially for someone like me).

i wont deny it; i can be one of those females who obsess over their feelings/how much attention they're receiving, and question if care and consideration between a significant other has been evenly reciprocated. i pay my own bills, i pay for my own gifts--clothes, shows, drinks, food--though i don't mind if someone offers. but as much as i pride myself in being a modern, independent woman, i know that deep down i'm dependent on other people/someone else, especially when it comes to validating my feelings. after spending so much time putting on this stoic facade, i do want someone who can catch me at the end of they day and absorb my woes. i know that i bottle so much inside, that to release any bit of it in any way provides great relief.

thought i might not say it as much (if at all, because it scares me to death), being loved/having love seems like it's a pretty damn good feeling. i know what it's like to talk deeply with someone you care about. i know the feeling to be in someones arms. to be caught in the midst of a tired collapse. the actions themselves speak more than 3 small words could say (as cheesy as that sounds). it may be the case that i don't exchange those words with someone, but it's simple explanation for me. if you show it, i know it. and i can't imagine anything more gratifying. and this makes me happy.

lovingly,
stefrose (robot)